by TheGreciansHousehold » Thu Jul 20, 2017 11:39 pm
Step 0: Get your sons measurements.
Step 1: Befriend an Oceanus Corporation employee wearing a yellow and red lab coat.
Step 2: While at their pod, steal their keycard.
Step 3: After taking their lab coat as well, lock the employee somewhere like a cupboard.
Step 4: At 4:00AM, walk/swim around 500km to the Oceanus Corporation facility with your son strapped to your back. Don't worry about oxygen - your lab coat has an oxyshield.
Step 5: Walk to Corridor 9 and enter Room U003. If anyone asks who you are or what you are doing, just say that you need to grab your umbrella you left in Room T001. They should be too tired to see your soaking-wet-ness or the tumour on your back.
Step 6: Swipe your keycard in the lift. It's at the back of the bookshelf.
Step 7: Once in Room X002, DO NOT touch anything other than the floor or air. Everything else is covered in microscopic electrocution devices.
Step 8: Locate the Central Control Panel. It's in the south part of the room.
Step 9: Initiate the Synthesisation Algorithm by swiping the keycard in the first slot, labelled in blue.
Step 10: Enter your son's measurements.
Step 11: Initiate the Activation Protocol by placing your son in the plate at the center of the 2 pillary curve thingies and swiping the card in the second slot, labelled in red. DO NOT attemp to remove him - the now centrifuge-like curve things will zap you to ash.
Step 12: Once the green light indicates that everything is ready, swipe the card in the third slot, labelled in yellow and look away IMMEADIATELY. Without proper eye protection, you will go blind.
Step 13: Dispose of your sons corpse using the chute in the east part of the room. It will be used in the Core.
Step 14: Move to the west of the room and swipe your keycard on the slot by the double doors. They will open to reveal a robotic android with CURVES and SHINY PAINT.
Step 15: Careful to not touch anything else, press the white button on the Central Control Panel.
Step 16: Pick up the limp robot - who has the proportions, mind, species and type of your son - and move him to the north part of the room.
Step 17: Place the robot in the Synthetic Tissue Application Mechanism. It looks the same as the doors from before, but has S.T.A.M written in bold Comic Sans MS above it.
Step 18: Swipe your keycard in the slot by the S.T.A.M's doors.
Step 19: After a few hours, the robot will be identical to your son, minus the disabilities.
Step 20: Travel through the vent systems until you see the red line. Then trun left and enter room F107. Remember to take your son with you.
Step 21: Travel past 5993 rooms to the exit.
Step 22: Take Oceanus Train 554, which arrives at 7:20AM, home.
Step 23: Enjoy your son.
ALTERNATE VERSION
Step 0: Enjoy your son.
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My cats die.