Little bit of writing

A place to show the Monomi Park community your fan art and other creations

Little bit of writing

Postby Purplecharmanderz » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:14 pm

Thought I might as well share a little writing project I took up based on slime rancher. Took my own little twist on a few things that are said within the game and will be using a few fan made slimes, just to make things a bit more interesting in some areas.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12701950/1/Warped
Same username as I have on discord. I do no damage challenges if you have ideas for those feel free to share
Purplecharmanderz
Rancher
 
Posts: 268
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:25 am

Re: Little bit of writing

Postby yuppy » Thu Dec 21, 2017 1:26 am

nice
User avatar
yuppy
Chickadoo
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Wed Dec 13, 2017 12:45 pm

Re: Little bit of writing

Postby TheGreciansHousehold » Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:49 am

Not bad!
Here are some errors/ineffective devices I found in case you missed them.
In a few short minutes the shuttle landed in front of a large, two story dome-like building, a large flat portion of land stretched in every direction from the shuttle granting it all the room it needed as it proceeded through the unloading process and waking the passenger.

Misuse of verb tense.
I would recommend changing to:
In a few short minutes the shuttle landed in front of a large, two story dome-like building, a large flat portion of land stretching in every direction from the shuttle to grant it all the room it needed as it proceeded through the unloading process and waking the passenger.

-
As the shuttle unloaded its only passenger a ball of fire streaked across the sky, many slimes slid and bounded for cover at the sight of the fiery formation streaking across the sky.

Excessive explicity.
Again, I would recommend simply changing to something like:
As the shuttle unloaded its only passenger, a ball of fire streaked across the sky, many slimes sliding and bounding for cover at the sight.

-
Moments later, the meteor disappeared beyond the rock formations that made up the biome known as the indigo quarry...

Excessive explicity.
If you want to make the reader feel like they are a spectator of the arrival (which, judging by your choices of writing settings, you do), ensuring that your statements sound confident is vital. Simply using
Moments later, the meteor disappeared beyond the rock formations that made up the Indigo Quarry...
makes your wording sound far more convincing and realistic.
-
roostero

Misspelling
The correct spelling is roostro.
-
Connor began to stir within his room. Connor, after a few moments of hesitation...

Unnecessary use of naming.
This really is hust my opinion, but I think that
Connor began to stir within his room. After a few moments of hesitation, he...

would sound a lot better, abeit simpler.
-
Connor quickly changed out of his pyjamas and into the clothes he just grabbed...

Unnecessary use of just.
I see this a lot in more junior writers, where "just" is used unnecessarily. Although not a rule of grammar, simply cutting out "he just grabbed" would greatly improve the flow of the piece.
-
Largos hopped around freely since there were no corral barriers to contain them, a rogue pink plort sat alone near one of the carrot plots.

Inconsistent tense.
The correct tense usage would be:
a rogue pink plort sitting alone near one of the carrot plots.

-
...crystal spikes growing more prominent, and rolled straight towards the odd onion, and the plort.

Overuse of "and" with no accompaniment.
Perhaps try something like:
...crystal spikes growing more and more prominent, and plummeted straight towards the odd onion, and - by extension - the plort.

-
...his dash boots out of energy...

Ineffective verb usage.
Try "completely drained of energy" instead.
-
As the air around the plort got pulled towards the vac-pack...

Ineffective verb usage.
"Got pulled" seems a little weak. Try "was dragged towards" or "rocketed", depending on whether you prefer subject or object.
-
As the air around the plort [insertHere] towards the vac-pack, the largo barrelled into the plort.

Slightly anticlimactic connective use.
Instead of this, I greatly advise using
The air around the plort [insertHere]ing towards the vac-pack, the largo barrelled into the plort with tremendous velocity.

or other modification of this sentence that does not use "as", a typically neutral/mild connective.
-
Uncurling from its ball, the largo opened its mouth and wrapped it's congealed lips around the solid mass of pink gelatine, the conversion started and ended almost instantly, the largo's spiked form collapsed into a softer black tar like mass.

Misuse of verb tense.
In lists of actions, I always advise using Present Participle. In this case, the sentence should be:
Uncurling from its ball, the largo opened its mouth and wrapped its congealed lips around the solid mass of pink gelatine, the conversion starting and ending almost instantly, the largo's spiked form collapsing into a softer black tar like mass.

I do like the "spiked form" part, though. It has a nice tone to it.
-
...the foul tarr.

Ineffective?
This is highly opinion-based, but I feel this phase would feel far more dramatic if the actual name of the slime was omitted. For example, the "foul, malformed creature".
-
The first few globes missed their mark, not seeing the threat the tarr began leaping towards the nearest source of nourishment, Connor himself, right into the next few globs of water.

Misuse of verb tense, lack of connectives.
This should be written:
The first few globes missed their mark, and not seeing the threat the tarr leapt towards the nearest source of nourishment - Connor himself - right into the next few globules of water.

Globules isn't necessary, by the way - I just prefer it over "globs".
-
as the black substance began to separate as the water bonded to its form and scattered it in a flash of vibrant colours.

Peculiar use of "as", lack of punctuation/connectives, verb tense.
, the black substance beginning to separate as the water bonded to its form and scattered it in a flash of vibrant colours.

Ta-da.
-
Connor dropped to his knees and sighed, this was the thirteenth largo lost to Tarr formation this week.

Misuse of punctuation.
There are two ways to interpret this sentence:
A, Connor is speaking, in which quptation marks (") should be used.
or B, Connor is thinking after exhaling, in which case a hyphen (-) should be used instead of a comma.
Oh, and by the way - this is about where I recommend stopping the Tarr's name omittion.
-
In due time the ranch was at least functional for a few days of no supervision, Connor stepped into his house to grab a box which he strapped to the side of his vac-pack and returned outside.

Misuse of punctuation/lack of connectives.
Either "and so" should replace the comma, or a period should to begin a new sentence all together.
-
He was planning to discover all the secrets he could there, now armed with a lunch kit and his grandfather's old vac-pack filled to 30 globes of water at the ready, Connor was ready to head out onto the range.

Misuse of punctuation.
A semi-colon (;) should really be used instead of the second comma.
Also, why include his water stock? That just seems a little unnecessary unless it's important later on.
-
...blue haired, spunky teenage girl..

Heh heh.
Spunky.

I love British English.
-
...wrangled not too far East of Connor's ranch, where the girl stepped out of her ranch to find a decent sized clearing home to many pinks, Connor found a rocky plateau filled with small volcanic crags, housing many rock and crystal slimes.

Misuse of punctuation.
The first comma should be replaced by a semi-colon (;).
-
Since he broke his dash boots' shock absorbers shortly after arriving at the ranch...

Inconsistent verb tense.
The correct verb tense usage would be:
Since he had broken his dash boots' shock absorbers shortly after arriving at the ranch...
Double points if you can somehow figure out a synonym for broken.
-
The moss blanket was something truly marvelous, the high growing trees grew their leaves in such a fashion to allow the sun high above to shower the ground in golden light to make it appear like a night sky at your feet.

Inconsistent verb tense, inconsistent perspective.
Blah blah blah, you get the drill.
The moss blanket was truly marvelous, the high growing trees growing their leaves in such a fashion to allow the sun high above to shower the ground in golden light to make it appear like a night sky at Connor's feet.

-
...eating a bit of the lunch he packed for the journey, or at least that was his original intention before a tabby dropped a freshly picked cuberry at his feet.

Misuse of punctuation.
Comma should be a hyphen (-).
-
...embedded into the walls, the entrance room wasn't the largest space, measuring only about seven feet wide and about the same dimensions tall.

Misuse of punctuation.
First comma should be a semi-colon (;).
-
The chamber wasn't large, but showed signs of something living in it, vines and mosses lined the base of the walls, scorch marks ran across the walls of the den and lying in the center were some strange rings, quite similar to the teleporters that the blue haired teen had on her ranch.

Inconsistent verb tense, "misuse" of punctuation, basic colour.
Again, you seem to be using Past Tense where Present Participle is required.
The chamber wasn't large, but showed signs of something living in it, vines and mosses lining the base of the walls, scorch marks running across the walls of the den and lying in the center some strange rings, quite similar to the teleporters that the blue haired teen had on her ranch.

Second comma is technically correct, but could also be a colon (:).
The adjective "blue" is inherently boring, and blue is one of the most variable colours. I certainly recommend you change this.
-
The writing itself was not something Connor could understand though, finding this more than curious, Connor was about to take a step forward when the blue and yellow flash shot again between his legs, leaving a scorching trail in its wake.

Misuse of punctuation.
The writing itself was not something Connor could understand - though he found it more than curious. Connor was about to take a step forward when the blue and yellow flash shot again between his legs, leaving a scorching trail in its wake.

-
(because how could he have known that a plort was released within the tunnels the slime escaped through, and got caught in a statue to power the teleporter.)

A variety or issues I'm too lazy to list.
Firstly, a period should not be used in brackets unless the text within said punctuation marks are part of the unbracketed text, in which case they should not be in brackets in the teleporter.
And secondly, these bracketings are far too long to subtly fit into the text, so require great shortening.
- because, after all, how could he have known that a plort released within the tunnels had begun to power the teleporter?

-
, before Connor could even process what was happening lightning struck the roof of the temple.

Misuse of punctuation.
Commas should not be used to start new sentences; periods should be used instead.
-
...the rings at Connor's feet beginning to spin faster and emit a blue glow, and another bolt of lightning struck the roof of the structure...

Inconsistent verb tense.
"Struck" should be replaced by "striking", and the "and" before "another" should be removed.
-
Connor's mind was racing, unsure on how to respond, Connor..

TheGreciansHousehold wrote:Commas should not be used to start new sentences; periods should be used instead.

-
And last but not least:
-
Connor found himself surrounded by a bunch of scrap metal.

Ineffective casual vocabulary.
"Bunch" is an incredibly casual and informal noun, implying a casual aura around this event - which, clearly, should not be present. Instead, I recommend using "hundreds of shards of scrap metal" or other phrase with implications of damage (e.g shards, shattered panels, blades).
-
There we go!
I've been quite harsh with this text, so don't feel too bad about the amount of criticism I've given. However, I must point out:
The different homophones of "its" (ɪts) are used in these ways:
  • It's - to replace "it is" (e.g it's cold).
  • Its - to state ownership of a genderless/non-gender-specified object (e.g the mountain rose high above the lake, its great arms stretching out across the landscape).
You seem also to often attempt to use commas in the place of periods, which confuses me. But oh well.
All round, not a bad piece! 9/10 from me!
My Fanon-Lore Posts

"Creativity is intelligence having fun."
- Albert Einstein

Oceanus Out.
User avatar
TheGreciansHousehold
Treefox
 
Posts: 1406
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2016 9:12 am
Location: England is my city

Re: Little bit of writing

Postby Purplecharmanderz » Thu Dec 21, 2017 10:18 am

thanks grammar has never been my strong point and as such the help is always welcomed.
Same username as I have on discord. I do no damage challenges if you have ideas for those feel free to share
Purplecharmanderz
Rancher
 
Posts: 268
Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2017 11:25 am


Return to Creative

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests